“This is quite paradoxical, don’t you think?” says Vidic, in a slanderous tone.
“What do you mean?” I guess Oleg still doesn’t understand much about what they were talking about.
“I mean, come on! How can a country win everything, when it has exactly nothing?” Vidic explains his case.
“Yeah, especially when we’re obviously outnumbered right now. Even if our wives and mothers give birth to another hundred thousands of new conscripts each day, we would still be doomed. Heck, I still remember how my brother died in Stalingrad. Sticking out his bullet less rifle. We have almost no resources and weapons to win this war!” says Dima, agreeing with Vidic.
“Maybe Premier Stalin is as crazy as the people say he is!” Vidic concludes.
“What say you, Yuri?” Vidic suddenly twists his head to me, asking for my stand.
I refuse to answer Vidic’s reasonable question. As I have no reasonable thoughts myself, to support any stand. Everything is just crazy these days. Whether we win or lose this war, each and every one of us, are marked to die here.
I simply waive my hand, which is still holding my slowly burning cigarette, signifying my disregards in their discussion.
And the boys quickly understood to just ignore me and continue their rambling discussion.
In this time of peril, everybody is looking for something. An escapism. A way out. Especially when most of us here have their family members killed. Either by the Fuhrer’s army, or by the Premiere’s army himself, before the war. Be it faith, hope, idea, philosophy, or just a plain bottle of Vodka. Anything will do in this dark hour. Some even resorted to suicide. Not willing enough to face the horrible facts of life right in the face. Just as how they are weak enough to cry when the snow hit their eyes during this harsh winter.
I may look like I do not care. Or ‘do not give a shit’, as Vidic would always say. But deep within my heart I have always been longing for an answer. A solution for this lifelong nightmare. They say, even when you are only knee-deep in this hell, your life has already been sucked by that abyss waiting for you down there. No more soul. No more spirit. No more ‘value’. Everything else just seemed empty.
So, what is it that I am looking for actually? Not even this cigarette I’m holding could ease my mind. And not even this bottle of vodka next to me could ease my pain. It is not the solution for my own life that I seek. For it does not matter anymore. I watched my life crumbled and collapsed right before my eyes years ago. But still, I never lose hope on this life. And I do not know why. Heck, by logic, I should’ve put a bullet in my skull by now. But I sense there’s a higher power comforting my chest. Made me realize that sticking a gun in my mouth is never worth it. At least for now, I’m longing for an answer, for my country.
My country is almost drowning in the pool of blood of its own people. The day Hitler initiated Operation Barbarossa last year marked the beginning the massacre of my people. Within days, people started to die. From hundreds, to thousands, to numbers that I can never imagine. I enlisted myself in this war. NOT for the sake of Stalin. But purely for the sake of my Motherland. And partly because I have nothing else to lose. Only idiots fight for Stalin.
“Hey Yuri, you still got some cigarette left?” Vidic seems drunk. He drank the whole bottle, bottom up.
“Here you go, comrade”
“You’re the best, ‘brat’ (brother)” he takes the cigarette from me with his flailing hands.
Vidic reaches another bottle of vodka from his bag.
“Vidic, you’re going to get yourself in deep shit if you drink too much man” Oleg warned him sternly.
“Naahh…hey,come on…it’s not always you get to guard a perimeter, drunk! Hahaha”
I guess Vidic is right at some point. I keep my cool and nail my eyes on the barren land right in front of me. It is covered in snow. White. Purely white. And not a single moving creature could be sighted. Obviously nobody is here, but us. Maybe guarding the perimeter in this abandoned building (or what’s left of it) is the best therapy for me so far. At least I could think deeply enough without watching people die.
Oleg suddenly comes to me, offering a cigarette. He then sits next to me.
“Hitler is not going to stop isn’t he? That bastard sure kicked us at the right spot”
I only listen while slowly lighting the cigarette he gave me.
“I guess this pool of blood is just going to get deeper, Yuri. “
“What are you suggesting?” I ask.
“Well, nothing. I just hope that….someday, all this could end. And maybe Stalin could show us the way out of this.”
I crumple the cigarette he gave me, and throw it at his face. Furiously, I grab Oleg by the collar
“Shut up, Oleg. You know nothing about Stalin. Nor Hitler” Oleg seems surprised.
“Whether Hitler wins, or Stalin wins, that pool of blood is just going to expand. It will get deeper, become more reddish. And we might be in it too.”
“For God’s sake, Yuri, relax!” Oleg retorted.
My senses came to me somehow. I let Oleg go, and started to giggle a bit. Oleg continues his surprised remark.
“What’s so funny?”
“You know what Oleg, it’s funny you should mention that. When the fact is, we never do things for God’s sake. Heck, none of us here even believe in God.”
Vidic and Dima who were petrified just now, watching my actions, finally relax a bit. They rarely see me burst into rage like that.
“What do you mean, even if Stalin wins, people would still die?” Oleg suddenly asks.
I turn my face away from him, refusing to answer his question.
My memories are still fresh on what happened starting 5 years ago. My father, a simple and decent farmer, was shot, and his body was thrown into the Volga River, simply because of not following the collectivization rule set by Stalin. My brother was deported; sent to rot in the Gulag for not coming to work at the factory as he was sick. I never even had the chance to see his dead body till now. And the rest of my family died due to the famine back then. As if something, or more presumably God, was playing and toying with me. I was left to live. Till now.
We keep worrying about Hitler with his huge army, ferocious Gestapos and thunderous Panzers. When the fact is, this country has already been rotting from the inside, long before. Through the hands of corrupt political figures, stabbing each other for power and position. From Lenin, to Stalin. And not even once, I had any hope on Trotsky. They are all the same. And we, the people, suffer from it, the most.
Humans are corrupt beings. And we thought that we are the best among the others. And we even thought that we could survive in this world with our own sets of rules.
A star suddenly shines brightly as I raise my head to the skies.
Somehow, I hope that God is there. And if He is listening to me, i hope that He could point out to us, the solution. The path to salvation. To take us out from this darkness. Show us the light.
Not just any light.
But light, upon light.
And i continue to hope.
***********************
“Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The parable of His Light is as (if there were) a niche and within it a lamp: the lamp is in a glass, the glass as it were a brilliant star, lit from a blessed tree, an olive, neither of the east (i.e. neither it gets sun-rays only in the morning) nor of the west (i.e. nor it gets sun-rays only in the afternoon, but it is exposed to the sun all day long), whose oil would almost glow forth (of itself), though no fire touched it. Light upon Light! Allah guides to His Light whom He wills. And Allah sets forth parables for mankind, and Allah is All-Knower of everything.” [an-Nuur (The Light): 35]
